The Dangers of Physicals
by Red Witch
Summary: Another plan to get rid of Zim, another headache...


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters has gone to get a physical. MADNESS! THEY FOUND MADNESS! **

**The Dangers of Physicals **

"I feel so stupid!" Red chuckled as he looked through a two way mirror. "I can't believe it took me this long to figure out a way to get rid of Zim forever!"

"You? Uh excuse me, but **I'm** the one who found that little clause in the Invader's Manual," Purple gave him a look. "You know the one where any Invader can be evaluated for physical perfection and if they fall short it's grounds for termination? As in painful, **permanent** termination?"

"Fine, you helped too," Red rolled his eyes. "The point is we should have done this **years** ago!"

"Uh Hello?" Zim was in a chair strapped to some very painful looking objects in what looked like a doctor's office. "Zim is ready for the testing now!"

"All he's gotta do is fail this physical examination in any category…Any one of Fifty Nine different categories and BAM! WE GOT HIM!" Red slapped his hands. "Oh this is gonna be such fun!"

"Greetings my Tallest," A somewhat tall Irken with a large head walked in.

"Ah Doctor Jib. I'm so glad you could assist us," Red grinned.

"Think nothing of it. I'm pleased you personally chose me for this assignment. Is that the subject?" He pointed to Zim.

"Hell-ooooooo! Zim is ready here! What is taking so long?" Zim was impatient. "Some people have planets to conquer you know?"

"That's him. Now remember what we told you Jib," Red said. "We need to do this by the book. **Exactly** according to regulations. No shortcuts, no quick checks. Exactly according to regulations."

"Feel free to take as long as you like to find out what's defective with Zim," Purple nodded. "And make the tests as **painful** as possible."

"Of course My Tallest. I've even added an extra five tests to the list. I will begin right away…" Jib nodded and went into the other room.

"Hey! What's going on? I didn't come all this way to Irk to just sit around and…" Zim began when suddenly several robotic arms grabbed his arms and legs and started twisting them around. As well as several needles started to appear.

"Uh you know…Perhaps waiting isn't such a bad idea? YEOWWWW!" Zim screamed as the needles began their work.

"Oh this is so going to be good!" Red cackled as Zim underwent his examination.

"Give it to him! Give it to him good!" Purple laughed. Then their wrist communicators went off. "Oh now what? It better not be one of those stupid telemarketers!"

"What is it Personal Assistant to the Tallest Ik?" Red sighed as he recognized who called him. "We're kind of busy."

"Sirs, you are needed to give your traditional graduation speech at Smeet Academy," An Irken with a thin head told them.

"That's **today?** Do we have to do it **now?**" Purple moaned. "Couldn't we postpone it to next week or something?"

"OH MAN THAT IS PAINFUL!" Zim screamed. "VERY VERY PAINFUL!"

"I'm sorry My Tallest but you know the regulations…" Ik told them. "Plus you have to do a ship christening, receive a report from Governor Hig of the Lelani System, and go to the War Council Meeting of Irk to decide what planets to invade."

"Ohh!" Red rolled his eyes and made an annoyed sound. "Fine! We'll go do our duty as Tallest!"

"Good thing I told Jib to tape this," Purple said as they left the room.

"YEARRRRGG! WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT THAT PROBE? AAAHHHHHH!" Zim screamed.

"Figures. Just as we get to the **good **part," Red grumbled.

"You know, I don't think people realize how much work we Tallest have to do around here," Purple said as they went on a converter belt and went to another building. "Seriously, we're expected to do **everything** around here!"

"I know!" Red nodded. "No one gets it!"

"They don't! And sometimes I feel a bit underappreciated," Purple pouted.

"So do I!" Red agreed. They entered a room and Red clapped his hands. Two chairs came out and both Red and Purple fell into them. A group of smaller Irkens ran into the room, manicuring their nails, massaging their feet and bringing them snacks.

"I feel like **no one notices** what we do or appreciates us!" Red said as he was pampered.

"All we do is work, work, work!" Purple agreed. "Go invade this planet! Go invade that planet! Make a speech for the troops! Deny allegations of embezzlement and fraud! Go invade another planet to get the cash we need to put back the money we embezzled! It's like we no longer have time for ourselves!"

"Exactly!" Red said as he was hand fed some snacks by another Irken. "The stress from this job is killing me!"

"Yeah we have enough problems without Zim screwing everything up," Purple said.

"My Tallest we are getting a transmission from the Lelani system," An Irken said.

"Oh put it on the wall monitor," Red sighed. "Might as well get Hig's report over with."

A nervous looking Irken was shown. "Hello Hig, let me guess. Everything is going fine, the slave workers are getting a bit lazy but you're on schedule for all the stuff you make us," Red sighed. "Yada, yada, yada…"

"Uh not exactly My Tallest," Hig gulped. "We're kind of having a few problems…" There was the sound of an explosion in the background.

"Problems? You want to talk problems? Zim! There is a problem!" Red grunted as a hot towel was gently placed over his face. "Oh that feels good! So good for the pores!"

"Well after today that problem will be solved," Purple said.

"You see my Tallest, there have been a lot of slave revolts lately…" Hig began. "Some pretty successful ones. In fact all of them have been successful."

"Hey Red have you **tried** these new three cheese flavored puffs?" Purple wasn't paying attention to anything but what he was eating. "They are heavenly!"

"Let me see…" Red was fed one. "Oh that is good! That is really good!"

"The escaped slaves have formed into a huge mob! Half of the city is burning," Hig gulped. "We lost most than half our soldiers in battle these past two weeks. Supplies are running low! Apparently it's because they've gotten some help recently."

"Oooh! This feels **good!"** Red moaned as his feet were massaged.

"We could really use some reinforcements here!" Hig called out. "I don't think we can hold out much longer!"

BOOOM!

"Oh no! Our troops are routed! The slaves have made it into the main control room! I don't think we are going to make it!" Hig yelled.

"Yeah, yeah that's great Hig," Purple yawned, not paying attention. "We'll send you some moneys as soon as we can. Nice talking to you." He shut off the transmission by pressing a button on his chair.

"That felt so good," Red sighed. "So what did he want? I wasn't paying attention?"

"Dunno, something about slaves and needing stuff," Purple waved. "Probably wants more money for some new control collars or something."

"Moneys! That's all those Governors talk about! Moneys!" Red grumbled. "Speaking of which, get the Treasurer on the horn!"

The screen went on showing another rather nervous Irken. "My Tallest! Thank heavens you called! We have a problem! The economy on Irk and within the empire is going downhill because of widespread slave revolts on so many planets! Plus the Treasury is getting drained!"

"So we'll just invade a few more planets and take all their money and valuables! How hard is that?" Red snapped.

"But my Tallest we have a serious spending problem!" The Irken said. "Apparently there's a huge sum of money going to buy stuff for a base on some planet I've never even heard of! Eeeearrth or something? In fact we're almost completely…"

"Boring the heck out of me," Red interrupted. "Just go fix the books. Goodbye." He shut off the intergalactic phone. "It's like we have to think of **everything** around here."

"Another thing done on the list," Purple said as the pampering was finished. "What's next?"

"War Council, the new ship and Smeet Academy Graduation," Red sighed as he stood up. He dismissed the servants with a wave. Then they both got on a moving sidewalk to take them to another part of the building.

"Our days are just **packed**," Purple complained. "We never have time to do anything for ourselves anymore!"

"Nobody said being the Tallest was all nectar and night dancing," Red sighed as they stopped in front of a huge spaceship where a crowd was waiting. "I think it's your turn to push the button this time."

"Of course it is. And I just hand my claws manicured," Purple sighed. He pushed a button. "I now christen this new warship, what's it's name…"

The button activated a bottle that crashed into the ship. Two Irkens on the bow with lasers and jet packs looked at each other. "I thought this ship was going to be called the Demons's Talon?" One Irken said.

"You heard the Tallest," The second said. The two Irkens carved WHAT'S IT'S NAME on the bow.

"Work, work, work, work…" Purple sighed as the conveyor belt carried them away from the adoring crowd into the next room.

"Heavy are the heads who run the empire," Red sighed as he touched his communicator. "Hello Generals? This is your Tallest. Look you don't really need us for this. Just pick a couple of planets to invade and go invade them. Oh and make sure you take all their cash and stuff and give them to the treasury. Got it?"

"But my Tallest, we really need to discuss the situations on many of our conquered worlds!" A general protested. "These past few months the Resisty has grown stronger. So strong as a matter of fact they've actually…"

"Blah, blah, blah! Just **do** it!" Red told them before shutting off the communicator.

"Way to be firm with them, Red," Purple nodded.

"Sometimes you just have to be the tough guy," Red said as they entered a large underground building called SMEET ACADEMY. "Lay down the law and show them who's in charge."

"Red you are so inspiring sometimes," Purple sighed.

"I know I am," Red preened.

"Which means you can give the speech," Purple grinned.

"Oh! You got me to **walk** right into that one!" Red grimaced.

"Heh, heh, heh…" Purple snickered.

"Oh great…" Red grumbled as they soon were on a podium overlooking a crowd of small Irkens. "Smeets. Is it just me or do they all remind you of Zim?"

"Since Zim is practically the same size as a smeet, yes," Purple snickered. "Or **was** the same size as a smeet."

"Great. The future of the empire," Red grimaced as he saw the smeets giggling, poking each other, sucking on each other's antennae.

"Go inspire them oh fearless leader," Purple mocked.

"Fine!" Red went to the microphone. "Smeet Class Number 564455446556432! You're graduated! Now go next door to Irken Academy and don't be screw ups!"

"YAAAAYYY!" The smeets squealed with glee. Some threw paper as well as each other around the room.

"YAAAYYY!" Their exhausted caretakers and teachers moaned in the background.

"Two weeks vacation…" A caretaker sighed. "And then the next batch of smeets will be hatched and it all starts again."

"Last one to the bar is a flatulent flurble!" Another caretaker cried out.

"And that is the end of that," Red dusted off his hands as they left the building and went back to the medical building.

"So, Doctor Jib! How did the testing go?" Purple called out as they saw the Irken medical specialist. "Has Zim been deactivated yet?"

"Uh no my Tallest. The testing has been completed," Jib gulped.

"Oh good so we came back just in time to see him get destroyed," Red said cheerfully.

"I'm afraid that's not going to happen, My Tallest," Jib showed them a medical padd with data on it. "As you can see for yourselves…Zim passed his medical tests with flying colors."

"Did you say…Passed?" Red did a double take.

"Yes, my Tallest," Jib nodded.

"**All** of them?" Purple asked.

"All of them, my Tallest."

"Wait how could Zim pass **all **of them?" Red called out. "Look at the first one: Height Requirement! He's **short** for crying out loud! He's probably the shortest Invader in the history of Irk! He can't have passed! He's **short!"**

"Him and nearly every other Irken I meet," Jib shrugged. "Besides according to our body proportion examination, his limbs are perfectly proportioned to his height and as long as he can fire a blaster…He passes."

Jib pointed to a huge hole in the wall. "And trust me, he can fire a blaster."

"Okay fine but what about **all **these others? Optical vision?" Purple asked.

"Passed," Jib shrugged.

"Antennae response?" Purple asked hopefully.

"Passed."

"Effectiveness of Digestive Tract?"

"Passed."

"Bio Flux Calculator?"

"Passed."

"Neural Response System?"

"Passed."

"Physical Response Stimulation?"

"Passed."

"Intelligence Test?"

"Passed. Barely passed but passed."

"Squeedlyschooch Smear?"

"Passed."

"Blork Scan?"

"Passed."

"Blood tests?"

"Passed and yes I had the computer run thirty six different ones instead of the usual twenty," Jib said. "He passed them all."

"PAK Diagnostics! Come on! You can't say that his PAK isn't in some way defective?" Purple asked.

"You would think that but no," Jib shrugged. "Look I personally ran that test three different times! The PAK itself is **not** defective!"

"He's right," Red realized. "PAKS have nothing to do with personality! Personality! That's it! What about the Mental Test?"

"Yeah! What about that?" Purple asked.

"According to this…Zim is certifiably crazy," Jib said as he looked at the test results.

"YAHOOO!" The Tallest cheered.

"Which means he **passed,"** Jib finished.

"WHAT?" Red yelled.

"HOW IS THAT **POSSIBLE?**" Purple cried out in agony. "How can **crazy** be **good?**"

"As you well know invading planets is a difficult skill," Jib sighed. "Invaders need to adapt and get into the mindset of the inhabitants of the planets they are invading. And since many of these inhabitants are **already defective** and insane well…"

"I get the picture…" Red groaned.

"No, no, no, no, no! COME ON!" Purple whined. "There's got to be **something!** Something! _Anything_!"

"I'm sorry. I tried. But according to every single test we've given Invader Zim…He is…Except of course you two, My Tallest…" Jib explained. "The most perfectly physically capable and fit Invader we have in the fleet."

"ARAGRRRAGGAHHHHHHHAAGGGH!" Red screamed at the top of his lungs.

"He's also the **luckiest** little jerk we have in the fleet!" Purple yelled.

"Oh and uh one more thing," Jib coughed. "Due to regulations since Zim had such an incredibly high score on his physical that entitles him to seven minutes of control on the Massive."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Which has already started," Jib sighed as the planet shook. "I had to give him the spare keys to the Massive as soon as the examination was over. **Not** my idea, part of regulations which you told me to conform to **exactly.**"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"We did, didn't we?" Red sighed.

"Yup I'm afraid so," Purple moaned.

On the Massive…

"MUAH HA HA HA HA! VICTORY FOR ZIM! VICTORY! DESTROY! DESTROY THE TARGET!" Zim cackled as he stood on the bridge wearing purple and red robes.

"But sir, the target is one of Irk's three **suns!"** An Invader protested.

"ARE YOU QUESTIONING ZIM? DO NOT QUESTION YOUR LEADER! DESTROY IT I SAY!" Zim screamed.

"Well, you're in charge," The Invader shrugged.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The Tallest and Jib looked out the window of the building. "Did Zim just blow up one of our suns?" Red's jaw dropped.

"Apparently so," Jib sighed. "I think I should also mention that according to regulations any damage Zim does during his seven minutes does not count on his permanent record."

"So basically you're saying Zim can do all the damage he wants and there's not a thing we can do about it?" Red sighed.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"HEY! WHO BLEW UP MY SPACESHIP?" An Irken yelled. "AND WHERE'D ONE OF THE SUNS GO?"

"I'm afraid so My Tallest," Jib sighed.

WHAM!

"Tallest? Tallest!" Jib gasped as both Red and Purple fell to the floor. "Are you all right?"

"No…" Red moaned. "I feel **sick!" **

"Yeah! We both have the worst, most painful **disease **in the universe!" Purple moaned. "Zim-itis!"


End file.
